fixes everything

Immersing in the videos I made of waves. When I lived there, I walked 2-3x/day on the seawall or in the sand. Life took me elsewhere. I can’t always go there in person, but my vimeo’s are right there anytime I need them.

why men have difficulty asking for help

It’s deeper than societal expectation. It’s rooted in caveman DNA. If you failed to protect or provide for the caveperson tribe, people died.
We have evolved as people, society needs far few protectors than ever before, but our physiology is still running caveperson modules deep in the primitive brain.
For men, the primitive feeling arising from “failure to protect / failure to provide” is akin to “I killed part or all of my tribe.”
(Yes, we are no longer trapped in roles and each have access to our M and F brains and “failure to support / failure to enhance” has it’s own flavor of “… because death” and that can be a factor for men as well, but the question was specific to the provider role, so my answer was sent that direction.)
The trick is to reconginze when the caveperson modules are running and when we are hearing from our Best Self on the matter.
Here’s how I talk to cavewoman.
A loving enthusiastic “wow! thank you SO MUCH for your valuable input and for your desire to keep me safe! I’ll definitely take it under advisement. And please please please let me know when there are imminent physical dangers afoot.”
This shifts me out of “being in” the module and back into “running the command center”.
I don’t know about caveman, but cavewoman needs me to listen and honor her support and appreciate her desire to enhance. I’m sure there’s a caveman equivalent optimal strategy.
(p.s. full credit to Alison Armstrong for the caveperson analogy. She’s absolutely brilliant when it comes to human interactions.)

frozen voices

The difficult thing is that one of the fight/flight/freeze resposes is a frozen voice. He wasn’t getting a clear no, but there was also no clear asking for a yes. She wasn’t able to articulate, or may have been confused herself — “I like you, but I’m not ready for this yet” can pull up a cavewoman “pleaser / turn yourself into a prezel” module.
Neither was communicating well. This is understandable especially on a firsta date. You don’t know each other at all yet. And, on her part, because of his fame, she likely had pre-conceived notions that weren’t matching her experience so there was likely a case of cognitive dissonance plauging her mind as well.
But that’s too long of a headline and it doesn’t make a good # metoo vilianization story.

I Am A Woman Worth Marrying

The Prose

I am a woman worth marrying.
A woman worth hanging out with for the next 50-60 years. A woman worth holding his hand on his deathbed. A woman worth holding, on mine, should I be the first to go.

I am a woman worth marrying.
I need to be with someone who sees my worth, and my relationship potential, and wants to explore if our paradigms can hang.  And I need to see the same with him.

I am a woman worth marrying.
I’ve seen myself in this light for barely a week, but I know it deep in my bones.

The Story

I awoke to this thought a month before my 49th birthday. Words flowed across 2 pages as I hand-wrote the epiphany with a short stubby pencil on cheap blue-line notebook paper. You know the kind, with the red line on up the side telling you where “not” to write.

It took 5 days before the serious journaling began.

Even as I contacted the intended recipient to say all the words to a live human in real time, the words kept reforming and life kept the phone call at bay.

It would be 3 more days before I was really ready with all the words.

More derailments, but the desired conversation had nothing to do with “something I needed him to hear”.  It was all about “something I need to express, and you were on this journey with me to this place, may I share it with you?”.

He was already long gone.  And understandably so.  The paradigm shift through all of my past to get to this place was deep and intense, and the new and tentative connection with this man wasn’t sustainable.  He was on his own deep and intense transformational path.

It was truly fascinating to witness.  It didn’t matter what he did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say it perfectly met every need.

It wasn’t about the human.  The human was the instrument of the Sacred Masculine providing exactly what I needed to get where I needed to go.  I can’t speak for him, but I know there were random and strange things I found myself urgently “having” to say to him that brought responses in the tone of “exactly what I needed to hear right now”.  I know the Divine Feminine was at work though my humanness.  I’d been working intensely with that energy for several years.  It was alive and online in the space of me.

Stop Waiting, Perspective Is Everything

I’m not convinced there is a ceremony in my future.  That was never my thing.  But along the way I finally “got” it.  I finally saw the value in the perceiving a relationship though that lense.  The relationship, and the humans in it.

It really struck me as strange the vast separateness of “ready to be in a long term relationship”, “ready for someone worthy of being Divine Beloved”, and seeing myself as the one with the enoughness and forever worth.

The books tell you to “love yourself”.  I have a whole diatribe about that I will refrain from spilling into this article – but they fail to address all the other aspects.  I stopped bothering with them years ago.

Loving yourself is different from seeing all of yourself – the weirdness, the ugliness, the awesomeness – through the lense of another seeing your worth and enoughness.

STOP WAITING.  Yes, sometimes someone comes along, sees you that way, and helps you see that for yourself.  But there is no need to wait.  No need to hold the awesomeness of all of you back when you, yourself, can step into that perspective and make the shift on your own.

Take a walk through all of those perspectives and solving for X.

It Felt Really Really Weird To Think And Write And Say

for the first time.

I am a woman worth marrying.

I finally feel comfortable saying it outside of my safe cosy introvert cave.  So today is the day I share it with you.

I hope these thoughts bring joy to your day.

And I hope you know deep in your bones your own worth and enoughness.
There is SO MUCH to love!